Why cant snape just bake the cake?
by The Golden Goose
Summary: What happens when Snape goes too far? Dumbledore throws him out of the school which sets off a turn of events that nobody predicted (not even professor Trelawny!)
1. The Hole!!!

This is a METMA challenge!  
  
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~Disclaimer~ I own absolutely nothing!!! Anyone who says I do is a liar, a dirty rotten liar!!!  
  
  
  
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Imagine that Hogwarts is starting up its own school newspaper! You can pick editors, writers, reporters -- whatever you want. But the fic must also include:  
  
1. A Mrs. Dumbledore must be mentioned  
  
2. Someone must bake a cake  
  
3. Hermione must get a haircut  
  
4. Crookshanks must die.  
  
5. Someone must yell "Baka" which means "Idiot" in Japanese.  
  
  
  
  
  
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Why can't Snape just bake the cake?!?  
  
  
  
  
  
One day professor Dumbledore was going for a walk by the lake when he had an idea, he often had ideas when he walked.  
  
So at breakfast he announced his idea. Everyone loved it! Snape loved it so much that he volunteered to be supervisor! Then he started eating musk sticks, but he wouldn't share! He ate the whole bag of musk sticks all to himself! Dumbledore was shocked and ashamed to have such a greedy person on his staff so he fired Snape!  
  
"Get out of my school!" Dumbledore yelled "and don't come back until your willing to share and/or bake an 'I'm sorry' cake!"  
  
"BAKA!" Snape yelled "UIKENDO NI KOORA O SHIMASHTAKA! WA-TA-MI-NO-MWA!"  
  
"Professor Snape…" Hermione said "your stupid, uikendo ni koora o shimashta ka means that on the weekend you played a coke in Japanese… and wa-ta-mi-no- mwa is an obscenity in Phillipean! Idiot! I really like rice, the closest star to earth (besides the sun) is called alpha centuri and the brightest star is Sirius, its in the constellation canis major which is one of orions dogs…" and she went into a trance saying all this trivial stuff for about an hour then she just sed "well that's just a bit of trivia for the day!"  
  
"What's that miss granger?!?" Snape asked sarcastically "you want me to show your cat how to swim?"  
  
"NOOOOOO!!!!" Hermione yelled, but it was too late, professor Snape had taken Crookshanks and thrown him in the lake. Hermione jumped in the lake after him and pulled him out. Crookshanks sneezed so Hermione took him up to her dorm and they played nurse all afternoon.  
  
~*meanwhile*~  
  
Professor Snape had dug a hole to the centre of the universe and stayed there for 3 years and 3 months and 3 weeks and 3 days and 3 hours and 3 minutes and 3 seconds and 3 mini seconds and 3 micro seconds and 3 nano seconds, just to be exact, until one day he censed that everyone was having tea and scones without inviting him! 'how despicable' Professor Snape thought angrily  
  
Then he emerged from his hole in the middle of the universe and said "hey! Why wasn't I invited for tea and scones?"  
  
"because we don't like you because you didn't bake a 'I'm sorry' cake!" said Harry potter, who, by the way, is in his 8th year at hogwarts.  
  
"what if I bake a cake then?" Snape asked  
  
"if you bake a cake, we wont eat it! Its too late now!" said Dumbledore  
  
"why?" Snape asked  
  
"because if we eat cake now then it will spoil our dinner! Mrs Dumbledore won't like that!" Dumbledore said  
  
"your not married!" Snape said "when did you get married?!?"  
  
"last year!" Dumbledore said "come out darling."  
  
Everyone looked over to the door to see Mrs Dumbledore enter the room, it was… Professor Tree-loony!  
  
Professor Tree-loony was the editor of the hogwarts newspaper and Dumbledore, Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Draco (who, by the way, were in their 8th year at hogwarts) were the reporters for the newspaper.  
  
"but I wanna ride the pony!" Snape shouted!  
  
Then Crookshanks walked in, sneezed and died and Hermione ran over and yelled at Snape "you killed him!!!" and cried and got a haircut!  
  
Then Snape caved in and started a cooking show, the first episode was to bake a cake… but on the way to the studio he tripped over and landed on an iron ball. He cried and cried! Boo hoooo!!! then peeves had to fill in, so peeves baked a cake and showed everyone how to do it properly because he is the master a baking cakes!  
  
The end…  
  
Or is it?!?!?!?!  
  
  
  
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AN: tell me what ya think!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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~DaEvilBunny~  
  
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	2. The Cabbage Tree!!!

**Disclaimer** I own nothing; anyone who says I do is a liar, a dirty rotten liar!!!  
  
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WHY CANT Snape JUST BAKE A CAKE???  
  
  
  
Ch. 2: the cabbage tree!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Harry Potter was walking along the far edge of the forbidden forest one early morning (when I say early, I mean stupidly early) when he noticed something he had never seen before… a hole!!! Not just any hole… a hole right in the middle of the universe!!! He knew that this was a tragedy; if there were a hole in the universe then it would allow ___________ to enter hogwarts from a parallel dimension! He knew this because the little red man in the cabbage tree told him so!!!  
  
So Harry Potter ran to Dumbledore and yelled "Professor Dumbledore! Professor Dumbledore! There is a hole in the middle of the universe!!!"  
  
"Oh no!" Dumbledore sighed, "That means that ___________ can come in via a parallel dimension!"  
  
"Oh no!" yelled Hagrid (who was standing at the door eves dropping), "we must have some tea and scones!!!"  
  
"Yes, Hagrid… tea and scones would be best!" Dumbledore said.  
  
Then Mc Gonagall (?) came in and yelled at the top of her lungs "the killer clowns from Uranus are coming!!! They will kill us all!!! And to make things worse… the trap door keeps letting out strange and wonderful creatures… as well as, it keeps biting off the students fingers!!!"  
  
"Well…" Dumbledore started, "the clowns have an appointment, so do the S 'n' W creatures, as for the finger biting… they deserve it! Serves them right for being nice to it!!!"  
  
"Oh" Mc Gonagall (AN: I dunno how to spell it + I'm too lazy to go get my book and check!) said as she straightened her dress and fixed her hair and left.  
  
"Well," said Harry Potter "I must leave this depressing foundation, I have much to do… and less time to do it in!" he nodded then left, mumbling something about being on 'the quest for the holy grail'.  
  
Anywho… Professor Dumbledore and Hagrid were eating their tea and scones when it started raining confetti!!!  
  
"That could only mean one thing…" Professor Dumbledore said, " ___________ are here!!! Brace yourself, Hagrid!!!"  
  
Then they started running around like chookens with no heads.  
  
"They're coming!!!" yelled Ron.  
  
The whole place was in panic.  
  
Then the front door opened and…  
  
Four *things* walked in… a purple one, a green one, a yellow one and a red one.  
  
"Ahhhhh Ohhhhhhhhh!!!" the *things* yelled in unison.  
  
Lavender brown fainted at the sight but everyone else just screamed their lungs off… Hermione screamed, "It's the teletubbies!!!"  
  
Then the four *things* started singing their theme song (AN: I think we ALL know what it sounds like)  
  
Then everyone started trying to run away but the *things* were covering the front door, so they ever-so stupidly ran UP the stairs! But… at the top of the stairs there was a doorway leading into the land under the bed!!! So since they ran UP the stairs they were in the land under the bed!!! There was a girl talking to herself… or was she???  
  
"Alright!!! I'm sorry I'm late on my payments!!!" the girl said, "its just… I got fired from my work and on the way home the Oompa Loomas stole all my money!!!"  
  
"Well that's not my problem!!! I want my money F*#K^$G!!!" said a disembodied voice which sounded like it was coming from right in front of the girl.  
  
Anywho… Draco was just standing there, looking gorgeous, when the girl turned around and ran right into him.  
  
"Sorry," the girl said "Mah-taffa mushi oni!?!"  
  
"Fashi nomi aquweeshire mushi gafagafa!!!" Draco replied  
  
"Oh! You speak gibberish?!?!" the girl enquired  
  
"Yes, yes I do!" Draco answered  
  
"My names Hayley." Said the girl  
  
"I'm…" Draco started  
  
"I know who you are!!" Hayley interrupted, "I'm the author, and with my magical bag of tricks I intend to take over the world and earn $4 so I can pay back my debts to the invisible man!!!"  
  
"Can I help?!?" Draco asked  
  
"Yes, you can be my accomplice!! You shall help me rid the world of all that is good and Harry Potter!!! Muahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!"  
  
Anywho… Draco and I went for a walk to the cabbage tree to ask the little red man for advise (he's ALWAYS right) on how to start to take over the world…  
  
Then the world caved in and the teletubbies died (AN: Muahahahahahahahahahaha!!!) and everyone appeared in the glitter room behind the charms classroom and who was there?!?!?! None other than…  
  
~*~ TO BE CONTINUED~*~  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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R/R!!!! Okay, I wasn't AS high as before but I'm kinda proud of this chapter!!! Who should be in the room??? I'm in decision!!!!  
  
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~DaEvilBunny  
  
  
  
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	3. Whos Wand is Bigger?!?!!!

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~Disclaimer~ I own nothing, anyone (or those damn pigeons) says that I do, they are a liar, a dirty, rotten liar!!! (I own the rainbow and I own Rudi and I own Hayley and I stole the magical bag of tricks from Felix that cat! I also own Babaganosh)  
  
  
  
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WHY CANT SNAPE JUST BAKE A CAKE???  
  
  
  
CH.2 whose wand is bigger?!?  
  
  
  
  
  
Everyone appeared in the glitter room behind the charms classroom and who was there?!?!?! None other than… Snape!!!! With a hand full of rabid pencils!!!!!  
  
"attack my pretties!!!" Snape yelled and strait away the rabid pencils zoomed around the room before stabbing Harry repeatedly up his nose until he fell on the ground yelling "okay, okay, ill tell you… Snape I love you, I've loved you since I first saw you at the staff table, though I haven't admitted my feelings for you to anyone!!!!"  
  
then Snape took one look at the boy on the ground and was about to say something when lord Voldemort appeared out of nowhere "you can't have him he's mine damn you!!!!" and he whipped out his wand. Harry began laughing  
  
"that's your wand?" he said "god even mine is bigger than that."  
  
"it's not the size counts it's how you use it!" Voldemort said indignantly "besides it's not that small!!!! And I'll bet yours isn't much bigger if at all."  
  
"Well why don't you both just whip 'em out and we can measure them?!?!" said Ginny  
  
"yeah, you would love that, wouldn't you?!?" said Ron  
  
Harry pulled out his wand and it was only the size of your little finger.  
  
"oh, look how small it is!!!!" said Hayley "look at the wand, look at the little wand!!!"  
  
"oh look how much bigger Voldemort's wand is!!!!" said Snape, "I've never seen one so big!!!! I'm melting, I'm melting!!"  
  
"come Snape! Choose" said Voldemort  
  
"look at the wand! Look at the little wand!!" said Hayley  
  
"I choose you, you big hunk 'a' wand!!!" said Snape as he looked at Harry  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" Voldemort yelled, "ABERA KADABERA!!!!! BIBBITY BOBBITY BO!!!!"  
  
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!" everyone screamed except Hayley and Draco  
  
"never!!!" Hayley yelled as she reached into her magical bag of tricks and pulled out a bag of bananas!!! "I wont let you!" she cried as she opened the bag and tipped the bananas on the floor.  
  
"Hayley nooooooo!! Don't it will bring the . . ." Draco began as the leg- humping tree monkeys burst through the non-existent window.  
  
"Oh, it's ok they're just eating the nanas." Hayley started.  
  
"Fool that's what they do just before they . . . no I can't say it's too disturbing." Draco said.  
  
"You Biotch how dare you use such foul language in the presence of a lady" Snape said covering Harry's ears "It is totally disrespectful! Let alone against the law to say . . . fool" he said whispering the word. Then some monkeys came wearing little police hats and driving little tricycles with 'police' written on both sides came and took Snape to gaol for saying fool!!! I think I'll stop saying that horrible word or else they'll try and take me too.  
  
Anywho . . . everyone sat cowering in the corner of the room trying to decide who should be sacrificed to the leg-humping tree monkeys to save the rest.  
  
"I vote Hayley, she brought them here!" cried Ron.  
  
"Why so quick to judge, I recon what REALLY happened was he had them at his command ready to eat my nanas!" Hayley said.  
  
"YEAH!!!" every1 agreed as Draco picked up Ron and threw him to the LHTMs (leg-humping tree monkeys) who started doing his make up and smearing kiwi fruit into his bor-head, while telling him of the benefits of natro- therapy.  
  
"As you know kiwi fruit is full of vitamins and therefore when applied to the skin these vitamins seep in replenishing dry skin and reducing the visibility of pores." One was saying.  
  
While this was happening everyone thought now was the time to nick off to the hedge behind the forbidden forest.  
  
"I hope them there dratted Oompa Loomas are there so I can get me me me my money back" Hayley said sound like one of them there country folk.  
  
"Don't you mean Oompa LoomPas?!?!" enquired Draco sound all the more prestigious due to Hayley's country 'slang?' I guess it's called.  
  
"Now, now you just hang on a sec lassie I, I mean . . . laddie I say what I mean when I mean to say it! Now don't you go telling me what I be meaning to say!" Hayley cried still with her country accent, which made her sound like Lerleen from The Simpsons.  
  
"WHAT?!?!" everyone asked confused.  
  
"Screw yous I ain't gonna talk to you'll if you'll can't learn to listen." And with that Hayley stormed of to get her money back from the Oompa Loomas. Draco, being her accomplice, followed her into the forest. They walked for 3 hours and 3min and 3 sec and 3 micro sec and 3 nano sec (just to be exact) when they came across a rainbow, there was a girl there as well, the girl and the rainbow were whispering sweet nothings into each others ears.  
  
"oh! Hi Rudi!!!" Hayley yelled (dropping the accent)  
  
"hey Hayley!!" the girl yelled back  
  
"wadda ya doing?!?" Hayley asked  
  
"me and the rainbow are gonna get married, we is in love ya know??" Rudi replied  
  
"oh!!!! Me and Draco are trying to take over the world and destroy all that is good and Harry Potter!!" Hayley said  
  
"can we help???? Please please please?!?!?!" Rudi asked  
  
"alright, I spose you can be our jester or sumthin!!" Hayley said  
  
"we need a jester?!?" asked Draco  
  
"yeah… if we is gonna get married and have a castle then we need a jester to kill the original owners and we'll also need a hen." Said Hayley  
  
"oh, ok…" said Draco, "but I thought jesters were 'spost to be funny?!? And why would we need a hen?!? And since when are we getting married?!?"  
  
"I naturally assumed that we would get hungry and I like eggs, I also like rice, but eggs are better, so we need a hen, rainbow, you can be the hen… and we are getting married because I say so and don't say you cant afford to get married because you are rich and jesters aren't funny, you pay them to kill people!!! The mafia are the funny ones!!! Idjit!!!" Hayley said  
  
"oh…" Draco said, "but how did you know I'm rich?!?!" Hayley just glared at him and shook her majikal bag of tricks and said "I have a jester!!!"  
  
"okay" Draco said  
  
"wait a minute!!!" said the rainbow "why do I have to be the hen?!?!"  
  
"yeah!!! Why does the rainbow have to be the hen!!!" yelled Rudi (standing up for her lover)  
  
  
  
  
  
~ TO BE CONTINED ~  
  
  
  
The moral of this chapter is:  
  
Ppl will believe only what they want to.  
  
Applied to Snape thinking Harry had the bigger wand, and Hayley thinking she would be marring Draco, also, every1 thinking Ron was the culprit for the LHTMs.  
  
  
  
  
  
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WHY DOES THE RAINBOW HAVE TO BE THE HEN???  
  
WHEN DID HAYLEY AND DRACO DECIDE TO GET MARRIED???  
  
WILL SANTA STOP THEM FROM TAKEING OVER THE WORLD???  
  
WHAT IS BEHIND DOOR # 3???  
  
WHO WILL CHECK THE CAKE TO SEE IF IT'S READY???  
  
WHERE IS THE CLOSEST TOILET???  
  
HOW WILL FIREMAN SAM FIND HIS WAY HOME???  
  
  
  
Find out in the next chapter!!! Babaganosh!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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~DaEvilBunny- yes I am insane, I lost my marbles a loooooooong time ago!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
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	4. Harry Dies & The Atomic Wedgies!!!

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**Disclaimer** I own nothing!!! Anyone who sez I do is a liar!!! A dirty rotten liar!!! (I own Hayley (me), Rudi (my un-best friend), the rainbow (don't ask…), I stole the majikal bag of tricks from Felix the cat… and I own Babaganosh)  
  
  
  
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**WARNING** this chapter involves an equation… sorry for any traumatisation!!!  
  
  
  
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WHY CANT SNAPE JUST BAKE THE CAKE?!?  
  
  
  
CH. 4: The equation and carrots of doom and the atomic wedgies!!!  
  
  
  
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**MEANWHILE**  
  
Harry was up to a devious plan… he was going to rid the world of spicy meatballs!!!  
  
He was concocting a formula: pie R ½ab x 1,000,000 + R3=??? With out a break!!!!!! All of a sudden he was hit with a brain wave!!! 'If I found the hypotenuse of the square triangle that I have randomly drew on this number plain then I could square that, add 1 and divide it by my age and discover the missing number in my formula!!!' thought Harry.  
  
Then he started doing his maths homework.  
  
15 + x/ 2 = x + 5/ 3  
  
3(15 + x) = 2(x + 5)  
  
45 + 3x = 2x + 10  
  
45 + x = 10  
  
x = 10 – 45  
  
x = -35  
  
Then his mind overloaded from the equation (even though it was only an easy one) and his head exploded!!! Muahahahahahahahahahaha!!!  
  
  
  
** JUST FORGET THAT HAPPENED**  
  
  
  
Anywho…  
  
  
  
"Wait a minute!!!" said the rainbow "why do I have to be the hen?!?!"  
  
"Yeah!!! Why does the rainbow have to be the hen!!!" yelled Rudi (standing up for her lover)  
  
"You have to be the hen a-coz you already look like one!!!" said Hayley calmly  
  
"Yeah!" yelled Rudi standing up for her un-best friend  
  
"No I don't!!!" yelled rainbow  
  
"I'm staying out of this!!!" said Rudi, and then she turned into a buttered bread roll and disappeared!  
  
"Well… you guys are weird!!!" said Draco, who was watching the argument  
  
"Shut up!!!" yelled Hayley, who was about to explode, "rainbow!!! You're the hen and that's it!!! And Draco, don't call me weird or I wont let you marry me!!!" (AN: I HATE it wen pplz call me weird… its mean, and uncalled for!!! And I tend to be called that a lot!!!)  
  
"You say it like it's a bad thing!!!" yelled Draco  
  
"Ill set my jester on you!!! Don't think I wont!!!" yelled Hayley, giving him death stares  
  
"Oh no, not the jester!!!" screamed Draco in mock horror, "anything but the jester!!!"  
  
Then Rudi re-appeared  
  
"Alcohol!!!" she yelled "is not good for children!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Come fruity-bix, we have much to do, and less time to do it in!!!" said the rainbow and Rudi and the rainbow walked off  
  
"You do realise that rainbows can't talk…" asked Draco  
  
"Yes, yes I do… what are you hinting at???" Hayley asked back  
  
"Ahhhhhhhhhhh, nutin!!!" said Draco, "OH MY GOD!!!"  
  
"What???" asked Hayley  
  
"The monkeys are stealing your underwear!!!!!" yelled Draco  
  
"I don't believe you!!!!" yelled Hayley back  
  
Then a boy with dark brown hair and matching eyes walked up to Hayley and told her "you know… your not wearing any underwear?!?"  
  
"John… how do you know I'm not wearing any underwear?!?" asked Hayley slyly  
  
"Ummm… these x-ray glasses!" said john  
  
It was abOOt that time that Hayley and Draco realized that john was wearing x-ray glasses!  
  
"Where did those come from?!?" asked Draco, then suddenly realizing that he could see through his clothes and tried to cover as much as he could.  
  
"where did you get those?!? Give me those!!!" cried Hayley as she ripped the x-ray  
  
glasses off and put them on, "hey, Ummm… john???"  
  
"yes?!?" asked John  
  
"I didn't know you wore power puff girls underwear…" commented Hayley  
  
"yes, that's right… I tell you every pair of underpants that I wear!!!" yelled john, "and I bid you not to perve on me!!!"  
  
"okay, okay…" said Hayley then looking at Draco, "oooooooOOOOOOOoooooo!!! Draco's going free run!!!"  
  
"look away!!! Look away!!!" yelled Draco, grabbing the x-ray glasses and throwing them on the ground and breaking them.  
  
"alright…" started Hayley, "since you broke my only form of amusement… you must find something else for me to do!!!"  
  
"Ummm…" started Draco but he was cut off by evil carrots of doom!!!  
  
"oh no!!! its the evil carrots of doom!!!" screamed john as he ran into the forest like a little girl!!!  
  
Then the evil carrots of doom followed John into the forest. Peeves almost ran into them a few minutes later panting "have… you… you… seen… some… some… some… evil… carrots…"  
  
"of doom?!?" Draco interrupted  
  
"you've… seen… seen… them???" asked Peeves.  
  
"yes!" said Hayley cheerily, "they went that-a-way!" pointing to the direction that John went into.  
  
"thanks" said Peeves, catching his breath.  
  
"why do you need them?!?" asked Draco.  
  
"for my carrot cake! I need to bake one for my cooking show! I'm a master at baking cakes!!!" replied Peeves then he turned around and zipped after his carrots.  
  
**MEANWHILE**  
  
In the 8th year boys' dorm Ron was trying to wake up Harry, unfortunately Harry's head had exploded from a minor mishap involving maths homework!!! But Ron wasn't about to give up, he just kept on poking Harry until Hermione walked in!!!  
  
"Ron!!! What are you doing?!?" Hermione yelled.  
  
"trying to wake Harry up" Ron replied simply. Hermione just slapped her forehead  
  
"Ron!!! Harry's dead!!!" she screamed  
  
"oh…" Ron said "I've got dibbers on his cloak!!!"  
  
"okay, if you get the cloak I get the diary!!!" yelled Hermione  
  
"Ummm… okay!!!" yelled Ron back as he grabbed the cloak and threw the diary at Hermione.  
  
They both ran down into the common room and Ron started running up behind people with the cloak on and giving them atomic wedgies!!!  
  
Hermione just sat in the corner drinking tea with her little finger sticking up, cackling and trying to read the diary (which had 'I love Hermione' written all over it) at the same time as well as make sure Ron doesn't give her an atomic wedgie!!!  
  
Then Mc Gonagal walked and everyone became silent.  
  
"I'm sorry, but students, something terrible has happened!!! Something so horrible that I fear to say it out loud!!! So horribly, terribly, horribly terrible that your lucky if you get it out of me!!!" she yelled.  
  
"OH JUST SAY IT!!!" yelled Ron as he ran up behind her and gave her an atomic wedgie.  
  
"well… it's just…" Mc Gonagal started through her floral underwear, which was pulled tightly over her face.  
  
  
  
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~TO BE CONTINUED~  
  
  
  
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AN: oooooooOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo!!! Cliffhanger!!! Anyhoo… id like to thank every 1 who reviewed and (notsureifI'mallowedmentionhername) for the idea of the carrots and my un-best friend Beccy for laughing at the idea of John in power puff girls underwear and my other un-best friend Rudi for being in love with the rainbow (when I say rainbow, I mean that arc of colour in the sky after rain, its not a code name for anything and/or anyone) and John for not being aware that I used his name and put him in power puff girls underwear!!! Muahahahahahahahahahaha!!! And id also like to thank my cat (Jo-Jo) for being paranoid and giving me an idea for this name!!! Id also likes to thank… Ummm… SHUT UP!!! I DO SO HAVE MORE FRIENDS TO THANK!!! -.-;  
  
  
  
  
  
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DaEvilBunny soon to be Jo-Jo The Paranoid Cat- yes indeed!!! I went swimming today so I'm tired!!! BAH!!! Also, I'm insane!!! 


	5. The DAISY and the Meat Pies!!!

Well... I'm only writing this on account of I'm bored and pretty soon I'm going to die to death from boredom!!!  
  
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*Disclaimer* I own my character, Hayley, Rudi, John, Babaganosh and Beccy, I stole the majikal bag of tricks from Felix the Cat (the wonderful, wonderful cat) all others that are not recognisable belong to J.K Rowling!!!  
  
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WHY CANT SNAPE JUST BAKE THE CAKE?!?  
  
CH. 5: the DAISY and the meat pies  
  
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Anyhoo... just after Professor Mc Gonagal told them the horrific news everyone started crying on account of they were so upset! Ron was especially upset so he hid in the glitter room behind the charms classroom. Pig was in there as well, comforting Ron, when out of nowhere... DUM, DUM, DUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMM... a daisy appeared!  
  
"OH MY GOWD!!! IT'S A DAISY!!!" Ron screamed, "STAY AWAY FROM PIG!!!"  
  
But it was too late... the daisy turned pig into a steamy meat pie!!!  
  
"this is no ordinary daisy." Ron said to himself (like when the people in soap operas explain things by talking to themselves), "this is a wannabe-evil death daisy that turns your lovers into steamy meat pies!!!"  
  
"You haven't seen the last of me Captain Planet!!!" the daisy yelled.  
  
Then he went into shock and fell into the hole in the middle on the universe (AN: just for those who have skipped chapters (god only knows who does that **coughcoughbrett,johnandjamescoughcough**) the hole in the middle of the universe is next to the forbidden forest)  
  
**SOMEWHERE IN THE FORBIDDEN FOREST**  
  
"Ummm... Draco... do you know where we are?!?" asked Hayley  
  
"Of corse I do!!! We just need to walk around this tree!!!" replied Draco  
  
"We've been around this tree five times!!!" said Hayley, they had been following Draco's directions for a few hours and had been going in circles for one hour.  
  
"No we haven't!!!" Draco said calmly  
  
"Why don't we just ask one of the thingies for directions?!?" Hayley asked  
  
"Because they is evil!!!" Draco said  
  
"So?!? You are as well!!!" Hayley whined  
  
"Not as evil as them!!!" Draco whined back pointing to the sky. Then, as if by magic... I mean majik... someone fell out of the sky... it was... John!!! Still in power puff girls underwear!!! Except this time he was wearing a matching trainer bra/crop top/thingy!!! (AN: take THAT John!!! Serves you rite for reading my stuff!!! :P) he just scowled at them and ran off.  
  
Hayley looked at her watch and with sudden realisation yelled "GUESS WHAT?!?!?!!!"  
  
"What?!?" Draco asked dully (if Hayley's getting excited about it, it must be bad!!!"  
  
"Its Valentines Day!!!" Hayley yelled excitedly. (AN: I LOVE Valentines Day!!!)  
  
"OH!!!" Draco yelled back, "Here you are!!!" and Draco did that corny trick that magicians do where they hide the flowers up their sleave and make them come out real quick and make it look like they made then appear... except he did it with a single, long stem rose.  
  
"Oh!!! It so prett-" Hayley started but was cut off by Draco screaming in pain (he sounded like that guy from `the 5^th element' when he screamed), "WHATS THE MATTER?!?"  
  
Draco just fell silent for a moment and blinked a few times before holding his arm again and screaming louder than before. Hayley ripped up the sleave of his jacket (did I mention that he was wearing a suit?!?) and saw a long slice in his arm (obviously from the thorns in the roses)  
  
"You idiot!!!" Hayley yelled, "You're a wizard... why didn't you just use REAL majik?!?"  
  
"Ummm..." Draco started but he was interrupted but someone (once again) falling out of the sky, this time it was a girl with strawberry blonde hair and electric blue eyes, also known as Beccy (or Feccy, depending one what mood I am in). (AN: told ya id put ya in it!!!)  
  
"hey Fecca Box!!!" Hayley yelled  
  
"Heya Harley!!!" Fecca Box Yelled  
  
"What you up to?!?" asked Draco (I'm pretending they already know each other or something)  
  
"Nothing much, you know what?!? This is the fifth time I've fallen out of the sky this week!!!" yelled an outraged Beccy.  
  
"I know what'll cure that!!" yelled Hayley, "tea and scones!!!"  
  
"Yes, Hayley, I think tea and scones would be best." Said Draco very seriously  
  
"TEA AND SCONES IS YOUR ANSWER TO EVERYTHING!!!" Beccy yelled hysterically, "now you've gone and made me mad and I've got the urge to do something crazy!!!"  
  
"Urge?!?" Hayley asked slyly  
  
"Oh no!!!" Beccy quickly corrected, "Not urge!!!"  
  
"Oh, ok!!!" Hayley said cheerfully  
  
Then Draco let out another girlish scream.  
  
"What?!?" Hermione said (she is there because I say so)  
  
Draco just pointed to the ground and the girls gathered around... it was the... DAISY!!!  
  
With a small -POP- Hayley turned into a steamy meat pie. Every one screamed, Beccy ran in the direction that John ran in, Hermione ran after her and Draco just stood in shock (he likes me because I say so!!!) and he whimpered before picking up meat pie-Hayley and eating her "she would have wanted it this way!" (AN: Muahahahahahahaha!!! like homer and the lobster!!!)  
  
Anyhoo... just if you're curious... the news that Mc Gonagal gave them was that the DAISY was loose on the school grounds. I forgot to tell ya... (the REAL reason was that I had to think of something...).  
  
Anyhoo... Rudi (who was there with her rainbow because I say so) ran up and slapped Draco "you idiot!!!" she yelled  
  
"yeah!!! You idiot!!!" the rainbow yelled  
  
"what?!?" Draco asked with his mouth full of meat pie-Hayley  
  
"she would have wanted ME to eat her... since I AM her un-best friend!!!" screamed Rudi  
  
"where were you when she was turned into a pie?!?" asked Draco  
  
"over there!!!" said the rainbow, pointing to a tree.  
  
"just give me half of that pie!!! I'm hungry!!!" said Rudi  
  
"ok... but I'm warning you..." Draco said as Rudi grabbed half of Hayley and shoved it into her mouth and spat her out.  
  
"yukky!!! Hayley don't taste too good!!!" Rudi cried.  
  
"oh well!!!" Draco sighed  
  
Then the planeteers joined their ring powers together to form... CAPTAIN PLANET!!! Muahahahahahahaha!!!! (AN: god... I hate captain planet... I'm gonna kill him...) CAPTAIN PLANET swooped down on the daisy and boomed "never fear children... I shall take care of this evil villain!!!" and with that he turned into a somewhat squished, steamy meat pie!!! Then that pig-looking guy from captain planet came and ate his because I don't like captain planet and that pig guy (I forget his name... if anyone knows, please inform me so I can mention him more by his name) is under MY command... even though I turned into a meat pie and Rudi and Draco ate me... never mind.  
  
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Anyhoo... *TO BE CONTINUED!!!*  
  
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Well...  
  
WHO WILL KILL THE DAISY?!?  
  
WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE BITS OF MEAT PIE-HAYLEY THAT RUDI SPIT OUT?!? (I think I just gave away what happens in the next chapter... if I didn't, I just did)  
  
WHEN WILL I FIND OUT THE NAME OF THE PIG FROM CAPTAIN PLANET?!?  
  
WHERE IS THE NEAREST TOILET?!?  
  
WHY DO I KEEP ASKING THESE POINTLESS QUESTIONS?!? (answer: because I is an idiot)  
  
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AN: thanks to those people that reviewed!!! *Gushes* Anyhoo... John: if you are reading this, I take full responsibility for you being in the power puff girls' stuff. BECCY: I told you id put you in. TASH: Draco is MINE!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! And I cant stay a meat pie forever!!!.  
  
REMEMBER: if anyone knows the name of the pig from captain planet, I will love you forever if you tell me!!! And if you know what the he*L Gafagafaga is, then I would like to know.  
  
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Also, this chapter is dedicated to James, who got cut when I didn't thank him at the bottom of my other chapter. Also dedicated to Beccy who got cut when I didn't put her in when I put Rudi in. feel special!!! And Rudi, who refused to be my Valentine!!! No matter how many times I asked, she refuses leave her rainbow!!! *pout* so I was forced to *shudder* ask my little sister to be my Valentine!!!  
  
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	6. Strickly Snape... & Other Stuff!!!

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It has been brought to my attention that there is no Snape anymore… actually I'm just going to pretend that I did it on purpose!!! Just to be evil!!! Muahahahahahahaha!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
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*Disclaimer* I own my character, Hayley, Rudi, John, Babaganosh and Beccy, I stole the majikal bag of tricks from Felix the Cat (the wonderful, wonderful cat) all others that are recognisable belong to J.K Rowling!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
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WHY CANT SNAPE JUST BAKE THE CAKE?!?  
  
  
  
CH.6: Strictly Snape!!!  
  
  
  
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**In Snape's room thingy**  
  
  
  
Snape was polishing his shinny new shoes that he had just bought from the shop. He was so fascinated in polishing his shoes that he didn't notice that a dark figure had sidled into the room. He was polishing so hard and making his shoes so shiny that he didn't notice that he got stabbed in the back and died to death. His shoes were so shiny and he was so proud that his face turned red and he burst into tears of happiness. His shoes were so shiny and he was so happy that he was all choked up in the throat!!! (AN: Well, I guess you don't really care about how shiny his shoes are… so that's why I'm still going to go on abOOt them!!! Just to be evil!!! Muahahahahahahaha!!!)  
  
He walked strait to his dungeon to sort his potions and make sure he had enough ingredients for the day's experiments.  
  
He wasn't looking forward to the classes he had, then he remembered that he didn't ever look forward to his classes, he didn't like the students and he hated Harry potter most of all, such a little show off, well it p*ssed him off!  
  
While he was wallowing in his self-pity, he didn't notice the door slowly shut until he heard the click that meant that the door had closed.  
  
"Oh no!!!" he yelled as he slapped his forehead "I'm locked in!!!! This happens every morning!!!!! Why don't I ever learn to bring my wand???" as always he hadn't brung his wand or a key for the door, what a hopeless situation!  
  
"How to get out, how to get out…." He thought to himself  
  
"I know!!!" he yelled with sudden inspiration "ill bash the door down!" and he started running towards the door with his shoulder ahead of his body. He ran strait into the door and kinda got squished against it, like when you throw some clay against a wall. He fell onto the ground and absent-mindedly curled into the fetal position and held his shoulder.  
  
After a while he got up and had another brain wave…  
  
"I'll burn down the door!!!!!" he squeaked excitedly, then realised he didn't have anything to make a fire… and the fact that the door was made outta metal didn't help. Then he pondered a while before making a break- through…  
  
"I'll break down the door… I mean I'll make a mess, then that idiot Flich will come!" Snape said and inspired himself to make a really, extrally big mess. He started smashing bottles, breaking chairs and even resorted to making his students test papers into confetti!!!!!  
  
He completely trashed his room then sat in the middle of the floor and waited for Filch to come.  
  
After an hour or so Flich still hadn't come, so Snape came to the conclusion that he had trashed his room for no reason.  
  
It was getting to be about 9am and he was getting hungry, so he started banging against the door, and the door said, "Stop banging against me!!!!!! Haven't you ever heard of turning the door knob?????" hearing this he started slapping his forehead and whined "Ah DeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeerrrrrrrrr" and he gently turned the door knob and the door creaked open.  
  
As he walked towards the eating room thingy he could hear the door groan, "this happens every month"  
  
When he entered the eating room thingy he took his usual seat and began eating his toast.  
  
It was the usual slightly burnt toast with what he thought was pumpkin jam; ill leave it up to your imagination what it is… and a glass of pumpkin juice (spat in) (someone isn't liked by the house elves). He ate and drank every last bit of it, but he didn't hear the house elves behind the curtain giggling. After he finished his breakfast he started scowling at all the students. He got bored of that pretty quick so he decided to realise that his first class had been waiting for him at the dungeons for abOOt half an hour and he walked down to teach them.  
  
When he got to the dungeon he saw that it was his least favourite class, the one that consists of his mate Harry potter, he entered the class and yelled "OH MY GOD!!!!!!! WHO THE HE*L TRASHED MY CLASS ROOM?!?!?!?!?!"  
  
Draco immediately pointed to Harry and yelled "Potter did it, I saw him!!!!"  
  
Then Snape yelled at Harry "OH MY GOD!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! GO TO DUMBLEDORES OFFICE NOW!!!!!!! STAND OUTSIDE IT TILL YOUR TOLD YOU CAN GO!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Harry yelled back "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Then Snape yelled "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Harry yelled  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Snape yelled back  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Harry yelled back the ran outta the room and slammed the door  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Snape yelled behind Harry, "I REFUSE TO WORK IN THESE CONDITIONS!!!!!! FREE LESSON!!!!!" And he went to sleep on the floor.  
  
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**HAPPY NOW THAT I HAVE SNAPE IN IT NOW?!?**  
  
**ANYHOO**  
  
Then Draco waved his wand and I turned back into me and slapped Rudi really hard for being horrible…  
  
Then Dumbledore galloped over with 3 balloons, fairy floss, confetti, party hats and those blowing thingies, a towel around his neck and some of Hagrids scones.  
  
"What ARE you students doing in here?!? Don't you know it's out of bounds?!?" Dumbledore asked  
  
"Umm… what are YOU doing here?!?" asked the rainbow  
  
"I'm disposing of incriminating evidence… oh no!!! I shouldn't have told you that…" said Dumbledore  
  
"What incriminating evidence?!?" asked Hayley  
  
"Umm… what are you implying I just said?!?" asked Dumbledore  
  
"Well… we must go, we have much to do… and less time to do it in!!! Oh my god… I should stop hanging around you guys…" said Draco  
  
"Umm… what do you mean?!?" asked Harry (who is there, without a head, because I sed so!!!)  
  
"Oh, Harry, you're here…" said Hayley, slightly disappointed.  
  
Then it started to rain and Harry drowned because he doesn't have a head.  
  
"Well… I'm bored of this depressing foundation… I have much to do and less time to do it in!!!" said Hayley, then muttering a few choice words, appeared in…  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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**TO BE CONTINUED!!!**  
  
  
  
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AN: I still need to know the name of the pig from captain planet… I would appreciate it a lot if you would tell me… *sigh* also, first person to review gets to choose where I appear, also, any ideas will be welcomed with open arms, I promise to give them a good home!!!  
  
  
  
REVIEW: you know it will haunt you if you don't!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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	7. Monty’s fur is soft!!!

AN: I am kool!!! To 'Snitch boy' if that's even you *real* name… if your going to read a fic that has a warning about stupid things then don't read it… I'm insane… yes me is… and if you've set out to hurt my feelings, then you have… you called me weird and I don't like that and I said so in a AN somewhere and your that nasty and spiteful that you when and said that… good day to you SIR!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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*Disclaimer* I own my character, Hayley, Rudi, John, Babaganosh and Beccy, I stole the majikal bag of tricks from Felix the Cat (the wonderful, wonderful cat) all others that are recognisable belong to J.K Rowling!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
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WHY CANT SNAPE JUST BAKE THE CAKE?!?  
  
  
  
CH.7: Monty's fur is soft!!! (Jibbi Jabba)  
  
  
  
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*In the Bermuda triangle*  
  
  
  
"Oh no!!!" yelled Draco, "We is in the Bermuda triangle!!!"  
  
"Neeeeeeerm… SHPLAT!!!" yelled Hayley.  
  
"OWIE!!!" Yelled Beccy.  
  
"HeHeHeHeHe!!! You said… BUG!!!" Said Hayley (AN: Don't worry, its an inside joke and anyone that isn't Beccy is on the outside!!!) then Beccy and Hayley burst into giggles.  
  
*5 minutes later*  
  
Beccy and Hayley stop giggling.  
  
"Riiiiiiiiiiiight…" said Headless Harry.  
  
"Oh, go join the headless haunt!!! Oh, sorry, I forgot, your not dead!!!" yelled Tashi. (Tashi is there because I say so…)  
  
"Well… gotta go, I've got much to do, less time to do it in, a lot of incriminating evidence to dispose of…" said Dumbledore as he ran off a little way.  
  
"Where do you think you're going?!? Not on my shift buddy!!!" yelled Hayley, then turned super sayin and Kamayamayaed Dumbledore and he died to death.  
  
"OH MY GOD… YOU KILLED DUMBLEDORE!!!" Yelled Tashi.  
  
"No… I basically sure that I'm O.K…" said Dumbledore faintly in the background.  
  
  
  
"YOU BASTARD!!!" Yelled Monty. Everyone paused for a moment, just staring at the thing… Monty is a little thingy, thingy… thingy. (AN: *making vivid hand movements*) you know… thingy!!! (AN: inside joke… anyone that isn't my school friend is on the outside.) Well… he has great big ears and he goes MOOOOOOOO usually and he is purple all over with hot pink stripe spots and he is small… microscopic small… and he can fill an entire whale inclosure… (AN: inside joke… if your not one of my select school friends then you're on the outside.) And he has lots of furry fur that is really soft and furry… and his name is Monty!!!  
  
"What are YOU `post to be anyways?!? You just don't look like anything!!!" asked Rudi.  
  
"There's no time to explain that now… you're all about to get hit by a non- existent missing ship!!!" Monty yelled, and everyone turned around quickly to see… NOTHING!!! Because the non-existent missing ship was non- existent!!! You'd have to be stupid to believe that a non-existent missing ship could possibly be actually there!!! Especially since they were standing on land and unless ships can fly then I think they're safe!!! MOO HOO HA HA HA!!!  
  
When they turned back around… Monty was gone!!! Lions and Tigers and Bears!!! OH MY!!! (AN: shut up!!! I'm watching The Wizard of Oz!!!)  
  
"Now, listen closely and repeat after me…" said the moon on the floor (AN: shut up, the moon is on the floor because that's where moons go!!!), "Hakunamatata!!!"  
  
"Hakunamawadda?!?" asked Beccy.  
  
"Ha-Ku-Na-Ma-Ta-Ta!!! It means 'no worries'!!!" said the moon, and then he burst into song (Hakunamatata… it's a wonderful phrase, Hakunamatata… aint no pass in craze!!!) and started to dance the tango with the sun, but jumped when he realized that the sun IS actually hot and got eaten by Jupiter.  
  
"Good one Hayley!!!" yelled the rainbow, "now look at what you did!!!"  
  
"I didn't do that!!!" Hayley defended, "what I think REALLY happened was that…"  
  
"No excuses this time `mi lad!!!" said Ron (who is there, with a makeover from the LHTMs, because I say so.)  
  
"Now, because you broke the moon, the sea will die and its all your fault!!!" said Rudi.  
  
"Oh no!!! Not the sea!!! Anyone BUT the sea!!!" said Hayley with a shocked expression on her face.  
  
"Now we will be forced to kill you, it's the only way…" said Draco.  
  
"Wait a minute!!! That's not on the script!!!" Hayley yelled, "your `post to say 'no, don't blame her… I love her'!!!"  
  
"Yeah… well… I like this better!!!" Draco said.  
  
"SCREW YOU!!! YOU… YOU… YOU… Ummm… let me think of something… wait for it… Wait for it… I'll think of something… Ummm… IJIT!!! Yeah… that's good…"  
  
"Got any last words?!?" Rudi asked, and Draco smirked. (AN: @#&^%*$ ?!%#@)  
  
"Yes, what's a motto?!?" asked Hayley.  
  
"Nothing!!! What's A motto with you?!?" Beccy yelled as she grabbed Hayley and Tashi's arms and ran away!!!  
  
Then the Oompa Loomas came and Hayley pulled out her intergalactic dancing ray that gives people popcorn addictions and only sing in funeral march type songs whenever they want to talk and say Jibbi Jabba whenever they want to say the words 'The' or 'and' or 'I'. But she "accidentally" shot Beccy, Tashi and herself.  
  
"God damn it Hayley!!!" Tashi yelled, well she was singing in a funeral march type tune.  
  
"Jibbi Jabba could really go for some popcorn right about now!!!" sung Beccy.  
  
"So could Jibbi Jabba." Sung Hayley.  
  
"Jibbi Jabba think that Jibbi Jabba entire world in your strange little head is screwed…" sung Tashi.  
  
"Jibbi Jabba think that Jibbi Jabba big lump on you neck is getting bigger!!!" sung Hayley.  
  
"What's wrong with my hair?!?" sung Tashi.  
  
"Not hair… Neck!!!" sung Hayley.  
  
"So, my hair is OK?!?" sung Tashi.  
  
Then John's twin brother, Brett, ran over screaming, "The Russians are coming!!! Stop the baby snatchers!!! Let me have your flags!!!"  
  
"What flags?!?" sung Beccy.  
  
"Your house flags!!! I spent the entire time at the swimming carnival stealing the flags then…" Brett began but stopped when he saw a short girl with frizzy blonde hair walk past, he pointed at her and yelled at the top of him lungs "DOBBER!!!"  
  
"Ummm… you can have Jibbi Jabba flags…" sung Hayley then she gave the house flags to Brett and he ran away with the flags streaming behind him.  
  
"Wait one minute?!? You had the flags the whole time… that's right, I'm breaking the rules and not singing or saying Jibbi Jabba!!!" yelled Tashi.  
  
"You can't do that!!!" yelled Hayley (not singing).  
  
"I just did!!!" yelled Tashi.  
  
Then Hayley clicked her fingers and they all appeared back in the glitter room behind the charms classroom except Tashi because I've got her wrong and its annoying me a lot.  
  
Then Mc Gonagall apaparated (SP?) into the room (insert: Hermione: you cant apaparate (SP?) on Hogwarts grounds!!!) and yelled "Alcohol… is bad for children!!!" and disapaparated (SP?) again.  
  
  
  
  
  
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*~TO BE CONTINUED~*  
  
  
  
  
  
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AN: I'm bored, any ideas will be welcomed with opened arms… I promise to give them a good home!!!  
  
REVIEW: You know it will haunt you if you don't!!!  
  
  
  
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~The Golden Goose 


	8. 2 Gay Lions!!!

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*Disclaimer* I own my character, Hayley, Rudi, John, Babaganosh and Beccy, I stole the majikal bag of tricks from Felix the Cat (the wonderful, wonderful cat) and I own the 2 gay lions!!! all others that are recognisable belong to J.K Rowling!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
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WHY CANT SNAPE JUST BAKE THE CAKE?!?  
  
  
  
CH.8: 2 Gay Lions  
  
  
  
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~Beccy: Then suddenly... 2 gay lions jumped out of a wall and started to piggy back each other across the quadrangle, bumping in to none other than dun, dun, dun .... VOLDIE!!! Voldie saw-ed the lions and pulled out his wand ... and no he didn't curse them he ...  
  
~Hailey: Threw his wand at them then picked up as many things that he could find and chucked that at them as well... but that didn't concur the 2 gay lions!!! oh no!!! it just slowed them down for a few seconds!!! then they ate poor tom for throwing stuff at them!!! than they ran into...  
  
~Beccy: Hairy Pothead, Harry Potters evil assuming twine ... hairy pothead isn't to good ya see, he had just traded his bro to the dark lord so he could get more drugs! But those freaking gay lions had just eaten his beloved drugs! Oh yeah and Voldie ... well Hairy Pothead was ever so pissed! But got over it and transformed this fish tank that appeared out of no where into a bong and got ever so HIGH ... the two gay lions joined in and pretty soon they was all having an orgy ... well they were until they were so rudely interrupted by ...  
  
~Hailey: CUMQUATS!!! Hairy Pothead doesn't like cumquats so he threw up then ran outta the window with his nickers round his ankles!!! Severus Snape liked ponchos, but those damn lions ate his poncho!!! so Severus Snape went for a walk in the jungle & he sed "lions & tigers & bears! oh my!" & the 2 gay lions came stampeding out killing all the plants in the way & eating the magic mushrooms!!!! & Snape yelled  
  
~Beccy: "BAH HUMBUG THEY ARE MY MAGICK MUSHROOMS I NEED THEM FOR MY PRETTIFULLING POTION!!! GET AWAY!!" well the gay lions looked at Snape and the whispered sweet nothings into each others ear, Snape looked mortified and started to run, whilst he had this scene playing over and over through his head "RUN AWAY SCAR AND NEVER RETURN" Snape was obviously out of it, but he kept running anyway, well he did until he 'accidentally' slammed head on into a tree!! the two gay lions found this quite humorous and fell over each other laughing ...   
  
~Hailey: LIKE IDIOTS! Snape had a mild arithmic attack where he started quoting the square roots of every # he can think of. Hermione likes the power puff girls!!!! draco is sexy, very, very sexy!!! everybody likes him!!! i worship my pic of him!!! anyhoo, draco was walking down the street eating chocolate when suddenly... 2 gay lions came piggy backing each other down the street when they suddenly fell into another dimension where the land was ruled by...  
  
~Beccy: flying monkeys!!!!! ahhhhh not flying monkeys!!!!!!!!! anyhoo the 2 gay lions and the flying monkeys were fighting when out of nowhere Hermione appeared and started to ....  
  
~Hailey: Do the makaraena while singing 'cos i got high' by afroman!!! she was up to the verse where she was a paraplegic when Ron came up & slapped her senseless & he enjoyed it so much that he didn't stop until he realised that she was dead!!!! then the flying monkey police came & arrested him & there was a big lawsuit & he denied it until the end, although the whole world saw-ed him, & he got life in-prisonment!!!!  
  
*a zillion years later*  
  
Ron: I'm in gaol!!!!  
  
*a zillion years before*  
  
Hairy Pothead: where's Hermione???  
  
But she was in another dimension... the land of:.........  
  
~Beccy: the sprits!!!!!!!!! Hermione was having a nice cup of tea with lily and James when out of nowhere hairy pothead stepped rite into her and said ... HERMIONE!!!!!!! want to come get high with me??? Hermione said YES!!! so they went off and got high....... in the girls toilets (port-a-potty) & out of nowhere... who should appear but...  
  
~Hailey: Harry Potter!!!  
  
Harry: hairy, stay away from my friends!!!  
  
Hairy: *weird breathing noises* Harry *W.B.N* i have something to tell you *W.B.N* i... am your father!!!!!  
  
Harry & Hermione: *gasp*  
  
~Beccy: Harry: but my father is........ Professor Dumbledore!! Everyone knows that!!!!  
  
Hairy: what the fuke?  
  
Hermione: oh get over yourself Harry and with that she walked up to hairy and ...  
  
~Hailey: pashed him really hard!!! on the lips!!!  
  
Harry: Hermione!!!! (shocked) & he walked up to them... but on the way he fell into a hole in the ground & got burnt to a singe by all the magma & such.  
  
*~meanwhile~*  
  
Professor Dumbledore was baking a cake for his son who was really dead!! anyways it was a chocolate mud cake with sprinkles!!!! then they were at a partay & "everyone" was invited... "everyone" meaning Harry, Hairy, Hermione, Sirius, Remus, Lily, James, Obesia Eatwell, Lord Voldemort, Peter Pettigrew, the chocolate mud cake, the 2 gay lions, Mc Gonagall, & Severed Snake. suddenly it was a full moon &... Remus forgot to take his wolfsbane potion... but he didn't have to worry on account of... Dumbledore turned into a ginger bread man & Voldemort 'accidentally' stepped on him & smashed him into a fine powder!!!! But the 2 gay lions weren't happy at that so they........ decided to go find Draco who is sexy, very, very sexy, they found him and Ginny making out so they (the 2 gay lions) decided to join in ...  
  
~Beccy: well Ginny got ever so pissed and went to talk to Hermione, well Hermione was sitting cross legged meditating ... "yummmmmmmmm!!!!!!!" Ginny sat down next to her and started levitating ... well she was until dun, dun, dun .... A TUB OF YOGHURT landed on their heads & said "*cough, cough* you must go to mushroom mountain to save the ginger bread pixies from the sofa cushions!!!"  
  
Hermione: get fucked!!! we're meditating!!!!!!! ( & she ate the tub of yoghurt!!!!)  
  
~Hailey: Then lord Voldemort appeared outta a smelly carcass!!! & he said:... "holy shit batman ... I'm scared" and he started to whimper ...  
  
~Beccy: Hermione and Ginny came over to the dark lord and said "don't worry my dear ... batman isn't going to eat u!!!! if he was going to eat anyone it would be her" Hermione pointed at Ginny, who blushed "Hermione!!!!!"  
  
"what its the truth" Hermione replied and then they all started talking aboot yoga.  
  
~Hailey: Then Hermione & Tom got married & everyone was invited, cludeing the 2 gay lions. when the priest got up to the part where he says "if anyone believes that these 2 should not be wed, speak now, or 4eva hold your piece" or something like that someone yelled "they cant be wed!!!!!!!! i luv tom!!!!!" wen everyone turned around they saw that it was.... ME!!! only joking........... it was Sirius (who wasn't invited to the wedding so he came in through the door)  
  
TOM: oh my god, Sirius, what are you doing here???? i ended it with you!!!! remember?!?!?!?! remember when i ended it????? remember???? do you remember?!?!?!?!  
  
SIRIUS: yes, i remember, but i can't stop thinking about you!!!!  
  
TOM: do you remember, really???? cos you don't seem to remember!!!!! i mean i remember!!!! I remember!!!!! but i suppose you remember, if i remember!!!!!  
  
SISIUS: YES I REMEMBER!!!!  
  
TOM: really, do you really remember?!?!?!?!  
  
SIRIUS: YES!!!!!!!  
  
TOM: ok, no need to yell!!! i was just making sure that you remember that YOU said ...  
  
SIRIUS: what are you implying i just said?  
  
TOM: that you was in love with me?  
  
~Beccy: SIRIUS: i don't think so i love GINNY!!!!!!!!!!  
  
GINNY: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh get the FUCK away from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ewwwwieeeeeeeeeee  
  
~Hailey: TOM: he's mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
~Beccy: GINNY: you can have him  
  
HERMIONE: YOU CANT MAKE SIRIUS GAY ITS NOT RITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
~Hailey: TOM: (to Hermione) sorry, honey, but Sirius is all gay & a bag of tomatoes!!!!!  
  
~Beccy: HERMIONE: i though you loved ME!!!!!!  
  
TOM: sorry, darling but it was the UFO lamp, see!!!! *pulls out a UFO lamp & everyone are stunned by all the flashing colours!!!!!!*  
  
~Hailey: Buahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!  
  
Anyhoo... tom & Sirius got married & started whispering sweet nothings into each others ears & had an orgy with the lions &... Hermione appeared with a knife and stabbed and killed Sirius and Sirius died to death.  
  
HERMIONE: Now whom do you love?!?  
  
TOM: uhhhhhhhhhhh. (*grabs the UFO lamp*) look at it!!!  
  
HERMIONE: Ahhhhhhhhhh. the lamp!!! (*Dazed and confused*)  
  
Then spaghetti monster started throwing pasta at them and the sofa cushions that had finished with the gumdrop houses on Mushroom Mountain ate them!!!  
  
  
  
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*~TO BE CONTINUED~*  
  
  
  
  
  
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AN: MOO HOO HA, HA, HA!!! My friends Beccy and I wrote this over the email. as you can see. we were on something and we cant remember what and I want some more but I don't think she does. oh well. *sigh*  
  
REVIEW: You know it will haunt you if you don't!!!  
  
  
  
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~The Golden Goose  
  
~Evil*Fairy  
  
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	9. Disturbing Behaviour!!!

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AN: I would just like to say that I have a stomach ache. Also that I succeeded in eating all my Easter chocolate. On one last note: don't trust balemic cats.  
  
Also. Beccy, I wrote this chapter for you!!! *Smiles* (^-^) that's right!!! Ginny/Draco!!! Just 4 you!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
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*Disclaimer* I own my characters. That is all. Don't sue me.  
  
  
  
  
  
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WHY CANT SNAPE JUST BAKE THE CAKE?!?  
  
  
  
CH.9: Disturbing Behaviour  
  
  
  
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That night in the corridor, Ginny was strolling past the portrait of El Nino. She couldn't sleep. She was thinking of what had happened that day. Not really thinking, but pondering. Had Draco really been serious, or was he just fooling around… these days he was quite the fooler. These days meaning after his fathers death. She was concentrating so hard on these thoughts that she didn't notice the other figure hiding in the shadows, spying on her, watching her every move. She didn't notice this figure until it was too late.  
  
**Earlier that day at the quiddich pitch**  
  
Draco looked up to see a stunning red head with hazel eyes staring at him. He wandered over to say something but steered away at the last moment. He was afraid that if he came any closer to his crush that he would be tempted to do the usual thing and yell abusive comments and torture his secret love. He glanced over to his freckle-faced, red head and nodded in acknowledgement, the red head nodded back. That was it. That's what their relationship had come to: polite nods. 'I suppose I should move on…' Draco thought, but regretted it as soon as he did so… he was not yet over this fling and he knew that acknowledging this fact; that he should actually move on, he could no longer use this relationship breaking up as his excuse for not dating a new person.  
  
Draco turned around quickly and tried to run away but he new he was still in the gaze of his ex-lover… so he looked for someone suitable, picked up a large rock and pegged it right at her head. It just so happened that this person was Ginny Weasley. Draco ran over to this fallen girl and cradled he head in his lap and whispered in her ear "I'm sorry… Ginny," Ginny looked at him in surprise at his using her first name, its usually 'weasel' or 'mud-blood lover', never Ginny "will you have intercourse with me?"  
  
Ginny stood up at this comment and slapped him across the face. Said nothing, and started to walk away. Draco yelled behind her and yelled "meet me at the picture of El Nino at 12 if you change your mind!"  
  
  
  
**Back in the dark corridor**  
  
  
  
Ginny checked her watch. It was 11:59. She counted down the seconds, Three- Two-One. She opened he tightly closed eyes and found herself staring into a pair of warm, silver eyes. She just realised how serious he really was… just that feature of his glance told her that this was no trick. He was genuine. This relieved her a great deal. At least she now knew that he was not going to go to the whole school and tell them that she wanted intercourse with the school player/ Bad Boy.  
  
He took her hand and led her down to the lake. But there was something wrong with this scene. Something was there that shouldn't have been there. Ginny looked around for what wasn't usually there. But all she could see were things that were always there… squid, grass, trees, peeping tom… then she spotted it… and yelled at the top of her lungs "THAT WATER FOUNTAIN WAS NEVER THERE BEFORE!!!" and ran screaming into the forbidden forest. (AN: I'm sorry Beccy but they couldn't stay serious for this long!!!)  
  
**AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT**  
  
~The Life Of Monty~  
  
Monty is a little thingy, thingy… thingy. (AN: *making vivid hand movements*) you know… thingy!!! Well… he has great big ears and he goes MOOOOOOOO usually but sometimes he goes Eek! Eek! And he is purple all over with hot pink stripe spots and he is small… microscopic small… and he can fill an entire whale inclosure… And he has lots of furry fur that is really soft and furry… and his name is Monty!!!  
  
  
  
~End Life Of Monty~  
  
  
  
Unfortunately, deep in the forest, was *drum roll* Dumbledore!!! Disposing of incriminating evidence!!! *Shock*  
  
Ginny ran up to Dumbledore and Dumbledore said "Ginny, why are you here, you could get expelled!!! You never take risks like this, your usually a good girl!!!"  
  
"YOU THINK I DON'T TAKE RISKS?!?" Ginny yelled at the top of her lungs "I ONCE RAN WITH OPEN SISSORS!!!" and noticing the total lack of affect this had with Dumbledore she added with total shock in her voice (at her obvious stupidity of what she was doing at the time of this incident) "DOWN THE STAIRS!!!" then she just stood for a while in shock of what she had just told her headmaster.  
  
"Well… Ginny… this is a very serious offence… running down the stairs with open scissors… why, ill eat my hat if I ever heard of anyone *else* doing this… very serious offence…"  
  
"Well… Professor… what are *you* doing here?!?"  
  
"Disposing of incriminating evidence… Oops… I shouldn't have told you that!!!"  
  
"I choose to ignore that last statement…"  
  
"What are you implying I just said…"  
  
"What statement?"  
  
"Yes I like cheese on toast!!!"  
  
  
  
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*~TO BE CONTINUED~*  
  
  
  
  
  
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AN: I'm bored, any ideas will be welcomed with opened arms… I promise to give them a good home!!!  
  
REVIEW: You know it will haunt you if you don't!!!  
  
  
  
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~The Golden Goose 


	10. The Man On The Moon!!!

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AN: I am only updating because I'm bored!!! Not because everybody loves me and I got 100 reviews, because I didn't… :P feel bad? No…? well I don't care!!! So… what if I do care…? What are you gonna do about it?!? SHUT UP!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
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*Disclaimer* I own my characters. That is all. Don't sue me.  
  
  
  
  
  
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WHY CANT SNAPE JUST BAKE THE CAKE?!?  
  
  
  
CH.9: The Man On The Moon  
  
  
  
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A couple of days after all the craziness, Hogwarts seemed to go back to as normal as possible… I say 'as possible' because, you have to admit, Hogwarts was never really normal.  
  
In potions, as usual, Snape was picking on Harry, Draco was laughing at Harry getting picked on, Nevil (SP?) was in the process of blowing up *another* cauldron.  
  
"Mr. Potter… how is it that you find yourself without a head-" Snape jeered but was interrupted by Nevil combusting into a swirl of pink flames. The smoke was thick and black and everybody was coughing and spluttering.  
  
When the smoke cleared, a huge, round boulder was in the middle of the room. Everyone stared at it in awe. Suddenly the boulder started spinning, slowly at first, then faster and faster and faster, until it was just a blur. Then suddenly it stopped. It surprisingly had a face and it was looking directly at the now slightly charred Nevil.  
  
Its mouth cracked into a wide grin and it bellowed "Ha, Ha, Ha! Thank you all-mighty keeper of the port-a-potty! You have freed me from my confinement! Come friends, follow me to glory!"  
  
Everyone just stood in shock at this sudden talking boulder appearing out of thin air during their potions lesson. The room was silent until Hermione stepped in and asked, "I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but, who are you?"  
  
"An excellent question, young daughter of eve!" the boulder bellowed in his deep, rustic voice, "I… am the man on the moon… you… can call me god. Come friends, follow!"  
  
Nobody really understood what happened next. The man on the moon started spinning again and he emitted a thick purple fog, so thick that Snape had trouble seeing his hand an inch away from his unusually large nose (AN: Sorry Snape fans… I *had* to say it!). When the fog cleared, the man on the moon had disappeared! Instead in his place stood something that would make your skin crawl, everyone in the room screamed and a few of the more squeamish people threw up, and Nevil fainted dead on the spot. What would make everyone so scared you ask? Well… there, standing right where the man on the moon once sat was… Nikky Webster… (AN: *screams bloody-murder at how sick her mind is* okay… breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. 1- 2-3-4-5-6-7-8. okay… continuing with the fic)  
  
"Now class…" Nikky Webster started, "everyone take a seat!"  
  
"Yes miss…" the class droned in unison  
  
"Today we will be learning how to stop the sofa cushions from eating the grilled cheese monsters on mushroom mountain… any questions so far?" Nikky asked  
  
Nevil (who was still passed out) raised his hand, "I have a question! What is the moon made out of?"  
  
"Excellent question!" Nikky stated, "perfect for what I'm teaching today! Well… that's a very stupid question… everyone knows what the moon is made out of… GREEN CHEESE!!!"  
  
"Awwwwww!!!" the class said in awe, "green cheese! Of corse!"  
  
"Well…" Nikky continued, "as I was saying… the tides are caused by the moon, and when there is a moon and sun alignment the tide is at its highest! And when Saturn enters the third house, the world will explode and Rollins the Rodent will rule its remains! All hail Rollins the Rodent! She is queen!"  
  
"Wait a minute… this is *my* class!!!" Snape said angrily. Unfortunately by the time he finished this sentence everyone had left the room and gone to lunch.  
  
~At Lunch~  
  
Tom Riddle was sitting at the Slytherin table eating his curd and way. Along came a spider and sat down beside her, and frightened Mrs Muppet away!  
  
~Later That Day~  
  
Ron: I hate being poor!  
  
Harry: yeah… so do i…  
  
Everyone: *look at Harry oddly*  
  
Harry: what?  
  
Everyone: *shrugs*  
  
Hermione: Don't be stupid Harry! Everybody knows that Irish people don't *really* exist!  
  
Harry: SHUT UP YOU HEFFER!!!  
  
Hermione: I'm not a heifer!  
  
Harry: you are so fat that you fell into the Grand Canyon and got stuck!  
  
Hermione: *bursts into tears* I'm not fat!  
  
Harry: *chanting* fatty-fat, fat, fat! Fatty-fat, fat, fat!  
  
Hermione: *curls up into a quivering ball on the floor, rocking back and forward, hugging her knee's*  
  
Purple-Tomato-That-Is-Really-Meant-To-Be-Red-But-Don't-Give-A-Damn-About- What-Colour-He-Is: Nobody likes a cry-baby, you just splash him right back!  
  
Hermione: *looks up* what?  
  
Purple-Tomato-That-Is-Really-Meant-To-Be-Red-But-Don't-Give-A-Damn-About- What-Colour-He-Is: Hermione, get out of da water… there's an ali-gator after you!  
  
Hermione: WHERE'S THE ALIGATOR?!?  
  
Purple-Tomato-That-Is-Really-Meant-To-Be-Red-But-Don't-Give-A-Damn-About- What-Colour-He-Is: @-@  
  
Harry: everyone run!!! Its trying to hypnotise us!!!  
  
Purple-Tomato-That-Is-Really-Meant-To-Be-Red-But-Don't-Give-A-Damn-About- What-Colour-He-Is: @-@  
  
Nevil: *falls to the ground* its too late for me… go on without me!  
  
Everyone else: okay!  
  
Nevil: wait a minute!!! Your all meant to say "no! we wont leave without you!" or something along those lines…  
  
Everyone else: *already gone*  
  
Purple-Tomato-That-Is-Really-Meant-To-Be-Red-But-Don't-Give-A-Damn-About- What-Colour-He-Is: @-@  
  
Nevil: nooooooooooooooooooooooo *takes a deep breath* oooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!  
  
Purple-Tomato-That-Is-Really-Meant-To-Be-Red-But-Don't-Give-A-Damn-About- What-Colour-He-Is: @-@  
  
Nevil: *Dies*  
  
Then suddenly… two gay lions appeared, reared up to Nevil, gave a flimsy "Rawer!" and piggy backed each other down the corridor.  
  
~Back in the forbidden forest~  
  
Ginny: Hark! I am in need of finding my love! *searching for draco*  
  
Draco: Ginny! I can hear-eth thee but I canst not see-eth thee!  
  
Ginny: *turns around to find…*  
  
  
  
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*~TO BE CONTINUED~*  
  
  
  
  
  
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AN: as usual, I'm bored, need ideas, Beccy!!! HELP!!! YOUR GOOD AT THINKING OF STUPID THINGS!!! And I'm not putting Dorepoll in this because I don't feel like it!!!  
  
REVIEW: You know it will haunt you if you don't!!!  
  
  
  
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~ There is No Such Thing As Stupid Questions… Just Stupid People!  
  
~The Golden Goose 


	11. The Rumba!!!

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AN: I just suddenly had a couple of really good and insane ideas… don't worry if you get traumatised… it serves you right for even reading this far into the fic!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
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*Disclaimer* I own my characters. That is all. Don't sue me. I own the 2 gay lions!!! Although nothing is really original, I like to think that they are my own original idea… their names are Ralph and Ernie!  
  
  
  
  
  
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WHY CANT SNAPE JUST BAKE THE CAKE?!?  
  
  
  
CH.11: The Rumba!!!  
  
  
  
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~In The Last Chapter~  
  
~Back in the forbidden forest~  
  
Ginny: Hark! I am in need of finding my love! *searching for Draco*  
  
Draco: Ginny! I can hear-eth thee but I canst not see-eth thee!  
  
Ginny: *turns around to find… Three Billy goats dancing the rumba!* oh… hello there…  
  
Billy Goat 1: what are you doing here?  
  
Billy Goat 2: I bet she is trying to steal our routine!  
  
Billy Goat 3: O-O  
  
Billy Goat 1, 2 + 3: *do a slight salsa before doing a 360 spin and clapping their hoofs in unison*  
  
Billy Goat 3: O-O  
  
Ginny: Err… no… I'm actually looking for Draco…  
  
Billy Goat 2: well… we'll help you find Draco if you find us our routine… we had it written down but someone has stolen it!  
  
*~ Somewhere On The Other Side Of The Forbidden Forest~*  
  
Neville: *looking at a page with lots of squiggly lines, foot step marks, X's and arrows* this is *the* worst treasure map I've ever seen!  
  
Hermione: no its not! It's just a bit difficult! *looking at a compass*  
  
Neville: ok… well… the sooner we start the sooner we'll find the treasure… *starts walking with his head in the 'map' with Hermione following closely*  
  
*~Back To Ginny And The Billy Goat's~*  
  
Ginny: well… I'm stumped… I've looked everywhere I can think of…  
  
Billy Goat 3: O-O  
  
Ginny: *sees Draco walk past* hey Draco!  
  
Draco: Ginny!!!  
  
*Ginny and Draco do that funky slow motion run to each other and hug closely when they meet*  
  
Ginny: Draco!  
  
Draco: Ginny!  
  
Ginny: Draco!  
  
Draco: Ginny!  
  
Ginny: Draco!  
  
Draco: Ginny!  
  
Ginny: Draco!  
  
Draco: Ginny!  
  
Ginny: Draco!  
  
Draco: Ginny!  
  
Ginny: Draco!  
  
Draco: uh… line?  
  
Little Elf With A Script: *whispers* Ginny!  
  
Draco: no it isn't! I don't believe you!  
  
Little Elf With A Script: but it is!  
  
Draco: paint my chookens keep!  
  
Little Elf With A Script: make me!  
  
*Draco and Little Elf With A Script fight*  
  
Rainbow: *flutters down and kills Billy Goat 3 then flies away*  
  
Billy Goat 3: X-X  
  
Ginny: nooooooo!!! *runs to Billy Goat 3 crying* Why! Why! Why?!? He was so young! So full of life! And so talkative as well!  
  
Billy Goat 3: X-X  
  
Billy Goat 1: I think he would have wanted a burial at sea…  
  
*Each person throws a handful of dirt on Billy Goat 3 then walks away. The sun slowly sets in the background and a tumbleweed blows past. A couple of rats come and sniff Billy Goat 3's body. A dingo howls in the background. A soggy billywigg floats past. An Acromantula flies out of a tree, grabs Billy Goat 3's body and jumps back into the tree. Noises are heard that can only be the Acromantula devouring Billy Goat 3's body.*  
  
*~ Back To The Other Side Of The Forbidden Forest~*  
  
Neville: 'mione, I think this is it… *looking at a daisy* I think the treasure is under this flower…  
  
Hermione: Neville! Stay away from that flower!!! It's contagious!!!  
  
Neville: PURPLE MONKEY DISHWASHER!!!  
  
Hermione: *runs away as fast as possible*  
  
Neville: *grabs a shovel and shmashes the daisy to a million bits* that'll show you!!!  
  
Daisy: *in a million bits*  
  
Neville: *starts digging until he comes across some treasure* ah ha! S.U.C.C.E.S.S… p, m, w…? That's the way you spell success!!!  
  
Bottle Top: if you take me to your flying, pink, crew cut, I will grant you 3 wishes!  
  
Neville: Uh… no. I don't think so… *eats bottle top*  
  
Then suddenly… 2 gay lions galloped up to Neville, gave a flimsy "RAWR" and piggy backed each other down to the lake where you don't wanna know what they did…  
  
*~Somewhere else~*  
  
Hermione: Harry… there's something I need to tell you… im gay.  
  
Harry: no your not!  
  
Hermione: yes I am!  
  
Harry: no your not!  
  
Hermione: yes I am!  
  
Harry: prove it! Say something lesbianic!  
  
Hermione: Home Depo  
  
Harry: *in shock* oh my god! You are!  
  
Hermione: OH… I had a hippopotamus and the hippopotamus please me, I fed my hippopotamus by yonder tree… they hippopotamus said *groan*…  
  
Harry: SHE'S GONNA BLOW!!!  
  
Hermione: *~KABLOOIE!!!~*  
  
~DEATH COUNT~: 3: Harry (no head… he *has* to be dead, Billy Goat 3 (he was smothered be the rainbow), Hermione (she died just then…).  
  
  
  
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*~TO BE CONTINUED~*  
  
  
  
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~In The Next Chapter~ find out about what the discriminating evidence actually was, Draco/Ginny fluff, more Billy Goat's and Monty!  
  
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AN: im tired.  
  
REVIEW: You know it will haunt you if you don't!!!  
  
  
  
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~ Nobody Likes A Cry Baby, You Just Splash Him Right Back!  
  
~The Golden Goose 


	12. What The Hell Is This Shit?!?

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AN: I'm so bored!!! Well… I'm watching the tweenies!!! Moo hoo ha ha ha!!! By the way… anyone who has read this far either a) deserves an applause and a pat on the back. Or b) needs to get a life *coughcoughnotgoingtomentionwhocoughcough* also… I oinked the "line" line from my un-best friend, Beccy. Everyone give Beccy a pat on the back!!! Also… This chapter contains a discription of some *very* disturbing programming. Just warning you.  
  
  
  
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*Disclaimer* I own my characters. That is all. Don't sue me. I own the 2 gay lions!!! Although nothing is really original, I like to think that they are my own original idea… their names are Ralph and Ernie!  
  
  
  
  
  
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WHY CANT SNAPE JUST BAKE THE CAKE?!?  
  
  
  
CH.12: What the hell is that shit?!?  
  
  
  
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~In The Last Chapter~  
  
~DEATH COUNT~: 3: Harry (no head… he *has* to be dead, Billy Goat 3 (he was smothered be the rainbow), Hermione (she died just then…).  
  
~In A Classroom Somewhere~  
  
Dumbledore: *At the front of the class* alright my little chick-a-Dee's! It's time for a story!  
  
Baby Hugs and Baby Tugs (care bears): OH GOODY, GOODY GOSH!!!  
  
Billy Goat 1, 2 and 3: can't we watch a tape instead?  
  
Dumbledore: *as if making the biggest decision of his life* pfft, I `spose…  
  
Billy Goat 3: O.O  
  
Billy Goat 2: dude… what happened to your nose?  
  
Billy Goat 3: O.O *shrug*  
  
Billy Goat 1: Whoa… that's freaky…!  
  
Billy Goat 3: O-O  
  
Billy Goat 2: that's better…  
  
Dumbledore: *putting on a tape* (A/N: for the sake of my semi-plot I'm trying to develop, lets pretend the can actually watch a VHS…)  
  
*Opera-type music is playing with people singing in Latin very loudly. On the TV a picnic basket it shown lying on its side and a bunch of vegetables fall out and start dancing around. The vegetables dance, then suddenly stop and form different shapes and animals and such. Eventually the vegetables eat each other and this starts all over again except with different vegetables and some fruits and they form different shapes. By the way… this isn't a cartoon…*  
  
Inspector Diddle The Cat: what the hell was that shit?!?  
  
Draco: I don't know… but it scares me…  
  
Harry: who in their right mind would make up something like that?!?  
  
Hermione: that's it, Harry! You're exactly right! We must go to the lab-ora- Tory and discover who would make such evil!  
  
Harry: what?  
  
Hermione: yes, Harry, of corse we can stop for lunch…  
  
Harry: but…  
  
Hermione: and toilet…  
  
Harry: but… Hermione… I didn't-  
  
Hermione: FINE! We will ditch Ron and do it ourselves!  
  
Ron: I'm ri `ere!!! (Translation: I'm right here!!!)  
  
Harry: Hermione, what's got into you?  
  
Hermione: *looks around with shifty eyes then starts talking into her pencil* abort mission! We have been found out! I repeat, ABORT MISSION!!!  
  
*A bunch of Death Eaters Apparated around Hermione and disappear in a flash of silver light* (A/N: he he he… sliver light!)  
  
Harry: So Hermione was on the dark side and we *must* help her!  
  
Ron: but, wai a minute, `arry. `ow `ar *we* men ta `elp? (Translation: but, wait a minute, Harry. How are *we* mean to help?)  
  
Harry: Elementary, my dear Ronald. You see, where we find the creator of these awful, awful videotapes, we will find our Hermione! *Tapping his nose*  
  
Ron: hoe… `ow `ar we men ta find theis "creata"? (Translation: oh… how are we meant to find this "creator"?)  
  
Harry: well, we look on the cassette case, and badda-bing badda-boom, it has to show who made it!  
  
Ron: okay `arry, I `spose chu `ar rite… chu go `n look `n I'll get `mi wand! (Translation: OK Harry, I suppose you are right… you go and look and I'll get my wand!)  
  
Harry: *looking on cassette case which reads "Ethelbert The Tiger © ™ LPD. Inc. LTD. LSD. HIV. Mis. Prin. T."* Ethelbert The Tiger? What the…?  
  
Ethelbert The Tiger: My stripes are reeeeeeeeeeeally special!!! *has blue stripes*  
  
Harry: Ummm… yes… well… uhh…  
  
Ron: `arry… wat chu gonna du nowa? (Translation: Harry… what you going to do now?)  
  
Harry: Well… I'm going to assume its Voldemort making these terrible tapes and just go after him… and for god's sakes man, learn to use some pronunciation!!!  
  
~In Dumbledore's office~  
  
Dumbledore: *Sitting on a huge desk with a camera facing at a picnic basket lying on it's side. His favourite opera music is playing in the background. Dumbledore proceeds to use his wand to make some vegetables dance around the table for about 5 minutes then turn into a dinosaur, a dragon, a star, a rectangle and a smiley face, then he makes the vegetables eat each other*  
  
~In Voldemort's lair*  
  
Voldemort: *watching one of Dumbledore's movies* what the hell is this? I thought it was Ethelbert The Tiger!  
  
Hermione: lets all be aeroplanes!!!  
  
*Voldemort, Hermione and about 18 Death Eaters run around with their arms spread out, making aeroplane engine noises*  
  
~On a bench, facing out to sea, with the sun setting over the horizon turning the low-hanging clouds and the water pink~  
  
Ginny: oh, Draco. This is so romantic!  
  
Draco: I know, Ginny, I know.  
  
Ginny: I can't believe this is all happening, it's like a dream or something!  
  
Draco: but Ginny, this is a dream!!! *starts waving arms around*  
  
Ginny: no it's not!!! *covers eyes* if I cant see it, it's not illegal!!!  
  
Draco: oh Ginny, your so cute!  
  
Ginny: you're cute as well!!!  
  
Draco: *hugs Ginny* I hope this moment stays like this forever.  
  
~Sun sets~  
  
Draco: *looks over at where the sun just set* oh! Just oh! Now that just ruins everything!  
  
Ginny: no!!! It doesn't!!! We can still pretend its there…  
  
Draco: no we can't!!! I wanted everything to be perfect for you! I… I love you!  
  
Ginny: *looks at him strangely* are you ok? *Holds hand to his forehead* just as I thought… 10879356489721563! You're burning up! I'd better get a nurse!  
  
  
  
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*~TO BE CONTINUED~*  
  
  
  
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~In The Next Chapter~ Draco dies!!!  
  
  
  
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AN: im a spaz!!!  
  
REVIEW: You know it will haunt you if you don't!!!  
  
  
  
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~ I'm Going To Live Forever, Or Die Trying!!!  
  
~The Golden Goose  
  
  
  
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	13. The Horror!!!

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AN: As usual . I am ever - so bored! I've decided that I'm sick of Draco . so I is going to kill him off . and he is dieing for good this time . and near the start I intend on changing it back to the other way of writing . instead of the script type thing . so then I can describe stuff better!  
  
  
  
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*Disclaimer* I own the following things: *blank*. Need I say more? But here is a list of things that I *don't* own . Harry, Hermione, Ron, Draco, Hagrid, Dumbledore, Sirius, Remus, Fluffy, Crabb, Goyle, Snape, Oliva, Fred, George, Ginny, Percy, Any other Wesley's, The Dementors, Katie, Angelina, Lavender, The Slytherin Quiddich Team, Rudi, Beccy, John, Brett, The House Flags, The 2 Gay Lions, The Teletubbies, The Power Puff Girls, The Daisy, Meat Pies, Captain Planet, The Pig - Guy From Captain Planet, 3 Billy Goats, Nikky Webster, The Man On The Moon, The Tomato, or this little orange thing on a stick . **holds up an orange thing on a stick**  
  
  
  
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WHY CANT SNAPE JUST BAKE THE CAKE?!?  
  
  
  
CH.13: The Horror!!!  
  
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~In The Last Chapter~  
  
Ginny: *looks at him strangely* are you ok? *Holds hand to his forehead* just as I thought. 10879356489721563! You're burning up! I'd better get a nurse! **Runs away to get a nurse*  
  
~In Voldemort's Lair~  
  
Harry: **whispering** Now then Ronald, quietly, we don't want to risk getting caught!  
  
Ron: **Eating some Jubes**  
  
They start walking down a dark hall with cobwebs dangling from the ceiling and walls. The hall stretches a great distance in front of them and on the sides are countless numbers of doors. They walk on for about 10 minutes, glancing into the opened doors, hoping that nobody was in there (nobody ever was), and creeping past the closed doors (if anyone was in there, they wouldn't be able to see them but the person/s in the room could be able to see our hero's). They finally came to the door at the end of the hall. It was a large, oak door that had been painted an earthy red. Its hinges and handle were rusted and looked as if they were about to break off. Harry pushed his ear against the door. The first thing he noticed was that it was cold, so cold that it stung. The second thing was that, on the other side of the door, it sounded like small children's playing . that was until he heard the unmistakable laugh of, none other than, Voldemort. Harry knew that laugh anywhere, he heard it whenever he closed his eyes, it filled his dreams, and it ruined his life. Harry didn't know what to do next. It was at that point that he realized that he had his eyes closed, tightly. He slowly opened them and looked up, Ron had his ear pressed against the cold door, looking at Harry and seeing the expression on his face, whispered "Harry, don't do something you'll regret ."  
  
"Ron, as closer friend as you are, can't even start to understand what I'm going through. So you have no right to tell that what I'm thinking of doing I'll regret. Because I know I wont regret it." Harry said as he pulled out his wand.  
  
"OK Harry, whatever you choose to do, I'll respect it . just be careful." Ron hissed into Harry's ear as he pushed the door ajar.  
  
Inside was one of the most horrific things that ever existed. I mean . it's beyond the human imagination to come up with it . so it has to be real . not just some old wives tale to scare little children.  
  
It was .  
  
~In The Hospital~  
  
Ginny knelt against the hospital bed that Draco, the love of her life, lye. His silver eyes were loosely closed and his head was limp and lifeless. Ginny clasped onto his hand and didn't let go for close to half an hour when he woke.  
  
"Ginny." Draco said weekly, "I don't want you to see me like this."  
  
"Oh! But Draco! I can't just leave without knowing you're all right . you jump, I jump. Remember?" Ginny said before melting in his cold gaze. She couldn't stand seeing him like this, bedridden, the life in his eyes had gone and been replaced by dark bags from lack of sleep, and he had a machine breathing for him. She thought it was too painful for him to go through all this, she tried pulling the plug on the machine . but when it came down to it, she loved him too much to lose him, even if he never walked again. She was all he had, his parents hadn't even written a letter yet, or visited, or made any attempt to find out what's happened to their son.  
  
"Draco?" Ginny asked hopefully.  
  
"Hmm?" Draco grunted.  
  
"Why haven't your parents come yet? Do you know?"  
  
"They're dead. They've been dead for a while now . only Dumbledore knows."  
  
"Oh no! What happened?"  
  
"My mother smokes a lot. It was at Christmas last year. It was snowing heavily outside and we were all opening our presents. I was complaining because I didn't get the new G.I. Joe. So my mother took the car and said that she was going to get some more smokes, but I just *knew* that she was going to get the G.I. Joe! But they say that it was the largest snow storm of the century . and the roads were slippery ." Draco said, but he was all choked up and couldn't finish.  
  
"She got into a car accident?" Ginny asked sympathetically.  
  
"No ." Draco said plainly, no longer choked up, "she died of cancer."  
  
"Oh ." Ginny said, looking around the bare room, trying not to laugh.  
  
At that point a very old man walked into the room, saw the two young kids and decided that they would be perfect victims. The man walked over to them, sat on the seat and started talking, "Did you kids know that I was the first person to buy a radio ever? Well . back then they didn't play much, no music like you kids have these days, it was just the president reciting the alphabet over and over again: 'A' he'd say, then 'B', 'C' would *usually* follow ."  
  
Ginny smiled and nodded politely, but Draco, who wasn't prepared to take any crap on his deathbed, just gave the guy a dirty and yelled "LOOK, WE DON'T REALLY CARE!"  
  
"Well . that's no way to speak to your elders!" the man said as he walked out. Ginny looked at Draco thankfully and climbed into bed with Draco and snuggled up to him.  
  
  
  
  
  
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*~TO BE CONTINUED~*  
  
  
  
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~In The Next Chapter~ Draco dies!!!  
  
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AN: remember . any ideas at all will be welcomed with opened arms and mouth and used with purpose.  
  
REVIEW: You know it will haunt you if you don't!!!  
  
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~ I'm Going To Live Forever, Or Die Trying!!!  
  
~The Golden Goose  
  
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	14. The Evil Return Of Evil Nurse Beccy!!!

AN: I have discovered the ancient art of power point! It's so cool!!! Muahahaha!!! And uhh . holds up a lemon on a stick what is it you ask? It's a lemon on a stick! Also: children should not partake in the reading of this fic, with laces in their shoes.

Disclaimer I own the following things: blank. Need I say more? But here is a list of things that I don't own . Harry, Hermione, Ron, Draco, Hagrid, Dumbledore, Sirius, Remus, Fluffy, Crabb, Goyle, Snape, Oliva, Fred, George, Ginny, Percy, Any other Wesley's, The Dementors, Katie, Angelina, Lavender, The Slytherin Quiddich Team, Rudi, Beccy, John, Brett, The House Flags, Nurse Beccy, The 2 Gay Lions, The Teletubbies, The Power Puff Girls, The Daisy, Meat Pies, Captain Planet, The Pig - Guy From Captain Planet, 3 Billy Goats, Nikky Webster, The Man On The Moon, The Tomato, or this little orange thing on a stick . holds up an orange thing on a stick

WHY CANT SNAPE JUST BAKE THE CAKE?!?

CH.14: The Evil Return of Evil Nurse Beccy!!!

In The Last Chapter

Harry and Ron found something very disturbing, Draco is dieing, Ginny and Draco are snuggling, and the orange thing on the stick keeps trying to eat my head.

Ginny looked at Draco thankfully and climbed into bed with Draco and snuggled up to him.

They stayed there for what seemed like an eternity, just holding each other and looking into each others eyes, trying to get their faces imprinted into their minds eye, learning each crevice, each freckle.

That was until, Ginny suddenly realised ...

"Draco, your knee is jabbing into my spine!"

"Well, I can't exactly move it, now can I?" (Oh, yes, did I mention that Draco is in a full-body cast?)

Then in bustled a nurse . not just any nurse . it is dramatic pause THE EVIL NURSE BECCY!!! The Evil Nurse Beccy is tallish with strawberry/blond hair and odd eyes that keep changing colour. She also has lots of frekkers! :-)

The Evil Nurse Beccy walked up to Ginny and yelled at the top of her lungs "That's it! You're out of here right now! You're aggravating my patients!" then she kicked Ginny in the stomach before turning around and looking at Draco evilly.

"uhh ." Draco started but was cut off by The Evil Nurse Beccy

"SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!"

Billy Goat 3 (Who happens to be in a hospital bed): O-O

The Evil Nurse Beccy glared at Draco evilly and started to walk her sinister walk over to his bed, cracking her knuckles to look more sinister.

The Evil Nurse Beccy picked up a feather and tickled Draco. Draco died at 10:49 AM 28/9/2002. (AN: YES! He's finally dead!)

Inside was one of the most horrific things that ever existed. I mean . it's beyond the human imagination to come up with it . so it has to be real . not just some old wives tale to scare little children.

It was . the 2 gay lions . having one of their famous orgies! Oh, and Lord Voldemort and Hermione being aeroplanes!

"Hermione!" Harry hollered, "You're coming home right now!"

"I can't, Harry!" Hermione hollered back, "I am home!"

"Hermione ." Ron whispered, "You belong with us ."

"No, Ron!" Hermione explained, "I belong here, with my husband." Then Lord Voldemort strolled up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist.

"Hermione?" Harry questioned, "Are you drunk?"

"Well ." Hermione began, "I might've had one glass of wine . or was it 2? The one bottle of vodka . or was it 2? Then one butterbeer . or was it 2?"

"Hermione!" Ron yelled, "I can't leave you here while you're intoxicated!"

"It's too late Ron!" Hermione muttered, "I already have children!" Then two kids came walking out.

"So . they're your kids?" Ron asked

"Yes . This is Flo, She's 10, and Mark, he's 16 ." Hermione informed them.

"Oh ." Ron sighed, hung his head and started to walk out of the room.

"Wait Ron!" Harry wailed, "Hermione? How can that be? Are hey really your biological children?"

"Yes"

"5 and 16? You've only been gone 3 days ." Harry pointed out.

"Harry ." Hermione muttered through gritted teeth, "Don't reveal plot holes!"

They all just stood in an awkward (AN: that's an odd word .) silence for about 5 minutes.

"So . do you like . stuff?" asked Lord Voldemort.

"Uhh . stuff is alright ." answered Harry.

"OH SCREW THIS CRAP! ABRA KADABRA!" Lord Voldemort yelled and Harry died . and so did Ron .

In the forbidden Forest

Hey look! It's me! And Rudi! And The Rainbow! And, Hey look, we have Monty with us!

Look closely . what are we doing? We're . wait a minute . we're digging a hole . OHMIGOD! IT'S THE INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE! This isn't good . this is NOT good . I sense something demonic going down . this is some David Copperfield shit right here!

TO BE CONTINUED

In The Next Chapter More stuff .

There's a place called heaven and a place called hell, A place called prison and a place called gaol . and I'm probably off to all of them except one .

I just murdered the alphabet.

The Golden Goose


End file.
